It starts small. The second bottle opened on a Tuesday. The empties that go out with the recycling a day early. The glass topped up while you’re out of the room. Then one evening you’re doing the maths on the back of the wine rack and you realise you’ve been avoiding a conversation for about two years.
If you think your partner drinks too much, you’re probably dreading this bit most: actually saying it. Here’s how to tell when it has gone beyond a few too many, how to start the conversation so it doesn’t end in a slammed door, and why your own support matters just as much as theirs.
How much drinking is too much?
The NHS advice for men and women is the same: don’t regularly drink more than 14 units a week, and spread them over three or more days rather than saving them up for the weekend. That works out at roughly six pints of average-strength beer or ten small glasses of lower-strength wine. A big glass of a strong red counts for a lot more than most people think.
Units aren’t the whole story, though. Someone can drink over the guideline without being dependent, and someone else can be in real trouble without ever looking drunk. What matters more is the pattern, and what the drinking is doing to them and to the two of you.
The NHS now uses the term alcohol-use disorder for drinking in a way that causes harm. At the more serious end that means dependence: feeling you need a drink to function, and having trouble going without one.
What are the signs of a drinking problem in a partner?
You know your partner better than any checklist does. Even so, these are worth taking seriously:
Hiding it. Bottles tucked behind the boiler, a quick one before you get home, playing down how much has gone.
Needing it. A drink to calm the nerves, to get to sleep or, at the far end, to steady the hands in the morning.
Broken promises. Saying they’ll have a dry week and quietly not managing it. Repeatedly failing to cut down is one of the clearest warning signs.
Things slipping. Missed work, forgotten arrangements, money that doesn’t add up, hobbies and friends dropped.
Mood. Irritable when they can’t drink, defensive when it comes up, low or anxious the next day.
Your own behaviour counts as evidence too. If you’re covering for them, making excuses to friends, keeping track of the bottles or walking on eggshells at 9pm, the drinking is already shaping your life.
You can’t make someone stop drinking. You can stop pretending you haven’t noticed.
How do I talk to my partner about their drinking?
Timing first. Never when they’ve been drinking, never in the middle of a row and never in front of the children or the in-laws. Choose a quiet, sober moment, ideally in the morning or at the weekend, when neither of you has to be anywhere.
Talk about yourself, not about them. “I’ve been worried since your birthday” lands very differently from “You’re an alcoholic.” Labels make people defensive. Specific things you’ve seen are harder to argue with: “You fell asleep at the table on Friday and didn’t remember it on Saturday.”
Keep it short and say why you care. You’re raising it because you want them around and well, not to win a point. Then stop talking and listen. There may be something underneath it, such as work stress, grief, menopause, poor sleep, loneliness or depression, and drink has become the way they cope.
Expect denial, at least at first. “Everyone drinks” and “I’m fine” are the usual replies. You don’t need a confession on the first go. Planting the idea that you’ve noticed, and that help exists, counts as progress. Come back to it calmly another day.
Have a practical next step ready. A GP appointment is a good start, and you can offer to go with them. In England, people can usually refer themselves straight to their local NHS drug and alcohol service without seeing a GP first. In Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, local alcohol services are organised by the health boards and trusts, and the GP is a sensible first stop.
One thing you should not do is push someone who is heavily dependent to stop overnight. Suddenly stopping after long-term heavy drinking can cause dangerous withdrawal, and that is why cutting down or stopping should be planned with a GP or an alcohol service. If someone has severe withdrawal symptoms, such as fits, confusion or seeing things that aren’t there, call 999.
Boundaries, not ultimatums
An ultimatum (“stop or I’m leaving”) made in anger and not followed through teaches everyone that your words don’t mean much. A boundary is different. It describes what you will do, not what they must do. That might be: “I won’t phone your boss to say you’re ill when you’re hungover.” Or: “I’m not getting in the car if you’ve been drinking.” Or: “I’ll go to the party, but I’ll leave at ten.”
Stop rescuing them, too. Clearing up, covering up and smoothing things over feel kind, but they protect your partner from the consequences of drinking. Letting a few of those consequences land is not cruel. It’s often what makes the problem impossible to ignore.
Your safety comes first. If drinking ever leads to threats, intimidation or violence, that is not something to manage at the kitchen table. Get out of harm’s way and call 999 if you’re in danger.
Where can I get support for myself?
This is the part men in particular tend to skip. It’s tempting to think the problem is theirs and the job is yours: fix it, keep the show on the road and say nothing to the lads. But living with someone else’s drinking wears you down. Worry, resentment, poor sleep and a lot of saying nothing are a known pattern in partners of heavy drinkers.
Al-Anon runs free support groups across the UK for people affected by someone else’s drinking. You don’t have to say anything at your first meeting, and many people find it a relief simply to hear others describe their own house. Alcohol Change UK, a national charity, has practical information for people worried about someone else’s drinking, as well as for drinkers themselves.
If it’s getting to you (anxiety, low mood, not sleeping), talk to your GP. In England you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies for problems such as anxiety and depression without going through the GP. In Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, psychological therapies are usually reached through your GP. Couples counselling can help later, once the drinking itself is being dealt with.
And take a look at your own glass while you’re at it. If the two of you have been drinking side by side for years, it is a lot easier for your partner to cut down if you’re doing it too.
In short
If your partner regularly drinks well over the NHS limit of 14 units a week, hides it, can’t cut down, or it’s starting to cost them work, money or friendships, it’s worth raising. Pick a calm, sober moment, describe specific things you’ve seen, avoid labels, and offer a practical next step such as a GP appointment or the local NHS alcohol service. Heavy drinkers shouldn’t stop suddenly without medical advice. Get support for yourself too, from Al-Anon, Alcohol Change UK or your GP.
Sources
Midcent Health
Adrian Irving writes about health for men 45 and over who would rather do something than worry. Training, weight loss, sleep, cholesterol and blood tests, heart health, testosterone, the prostate, mental health and your sex life – what the evidence says, what's worth trying, and when it's time to see your GP.
One of Midcent's writers. Spotted something? Write to adrian@midcent.uk.
